Reflections on the Course of Well-being
Yang Li
During the summer holiday, I watched almost all the videos about positive psychology. They impressed me so much that something needed to be written down.

The lecture impressed me most is about perfectionism. As the lecturer says, the obstacle is a crucible for us, we should make the best of what happens instead of fearing to go forward. There are certain differences between perfectionist and person committed to excellence. For perfectionists, the route from A to B should be straight without obstacles; while for person committed to excellence, the schema is different, there can be ups and downs all the way round. We should not just focus on the objective but enjoy the process. It’s important for us to know what we really want in our life. Then an example cited is about Mr. X, a rat racer, who pursues his consecutive goals all his life. But when he became famous and wealthy, he felt so lonely without his family around him. This example gives me very deep impression. In fact, with the rapid development of our society, we young people feel much more stress than before, and we are like the Mr. X climbing towards the ultimate goal without enjoying the sceneries on the way. On the contrary, for persons committed to excellence, there should not only momentary relief but should be lasting satisfaction. For perfectionists, it’s all or nothing, when we read a book, we want to read every word of it or we’ll read no word. Sometimes it’s the same with me, so this reminds me that I should focus on what should be read carefully and what needn’t be read every word.

The source of perfectionism

The first factor is the social influence, people think that the result is the most important but not the process on the journey. Permission to be humans. In fact , most people entering into academics are not for money. All or nothing is the attitude of perfectionists. The second factor is not all the praises are good, and in the long run, may cause perfectionism as well. For example, a teacher praise her students in different ways can achieve different results, the first one is “ you are smart”, the other is “ you work so hard”. Focusing on hard working is more important than focusing on gift which creates a schema to perfectionists.

How to overcome perfectionism

Everyone has some degree of perfectionism. It is natural for us. Then how can we overcome it and be more prone to a person committed to excellence. There are some tips for us: the first is self-awareness, don’t be so defensive and don’t be afraid of failure or daring to challenge, which will ,in the long run, influence interpersonal and social life.
The second tip is that we should focus on our own efforts and we can sometimes reward ourselves for our efforts. Then we should know more about ourselves, the positive side and the negative side. Don’t be so defensive and don’t counterattack others and so on. Learn to fail or fail to learn.

The second topic that impresses me very much is about exercise and meditation. Nowadays, we seldom do exercises and pay little attention to its relationship with our physical and psychological development. As the experiments show, regular exercise is benefit for us to concentrate our attention  and improve our memory. We should form regular exercise time plans, either in the morning or late in the afternoon. We should ritualize it. It’s said that the revolution of happiness should start off with the exercise revolution. Secondly, meditation. Meditation means focusing on one thing and the foundation is deep breathing. For example, we can focus our attention when we are doing yoga or Taichi. It is focus on here and now. we can pray or just focus on our breath. Evidences show that people whose left prefrontal cortex ratio is more active tend to be happier than those who are not. And happiness is contagious, we should create atmosphere of well-being, whether it’s physical or psychological. Those who often do yoga or meditation often have less degree of anxiety and have better mood and stronger immune capacity. There are sitting meditation and walking meditation, when our minds wander, just bring it back.
There are many ways to treat our psychological problems, that is , writing journals, meditation, etc. we can try emotional reframing but not ruminating on things. Mindfulness meditation may be useful. And then cognitive reconstruction is beneficial to us. We should take several deep breaths every day and focus on the uncomfortable part in our body, accept it , observe it and practice meditation. These methods can improve medium-level depression and can, to some extent, change the track of our mind since the pathway in our brain is malleable.

We should keep in mind the three “Ps”: permission to be human, try to accept our failure, our shortcomings, to be a benefit-finder, focus on the positive; finally, change our perspective, don’t ruminate on things. There’s a wonder drug which is called the “cocktail”: firstly, excise at least four times a week, lasting thirty minutes each time. Secondly, fifteen minutes of mindfulness, at least six or seven times a week; thirdly, guarantee at least 8 hours a day; fourthly, at least 12 hugs every day. Recovery is also very important for our mind and body. Recalling our daily life, how many of us have done those things above? Do we know how to express our love to our family, to our friends? Have we realized the importance of exercising daily to keep fit and the benefit of beauty sleep while we are staying up late and chatting on line? The lecturer indeed informed us a lot of how to keep healthy, physically and psychologically.

The last topic I want to talk about is about relationship and marriage, which is very useful and entertaining for us to deal with our relationship with other people. True love is not just love at first sight. It calls for our cultivation for life long time. Most people are constantly seeking the so called MR. RIGHT without realizing the true love comes from mutual understanding in the long run. To be known rather than to be validated. We’ll feel much happier when we really have high independent self-esteem. A very important thing to keep in mind is that never insult your partner especially in front of others. It’s destructive and dangerous for long lasting of the relationship. People always have an illusion that the most suitable person is still not around him/ her. But the truth is there’s no the most suitable person. True love is not like in the movie, but after the hero and heroine became together and real life begins. So we cultivate the flower of love with our life long time.

The reflections above are the things touched me most, and I learned a lot from TalBen Shahar, the famous and important guider in our life. From his lectures, we know that well-being is not only gene decisive, but also dependent on the atmosphere around us. We should become a benefit finder and benefit creator, keep a positive mind toward our life, together with regular exercises, etc.  In a word, sense of well-being is the only criterion to measure our life and the ultimate goal of all the objectives.