Reunions and Partings——Parting Gaze by Lung Yingtai

In my eyes, the celebrated writer Lung Yingtai is a courageous fighter who is known for her sharp criticism of authoritarian and totalitarian governments. She was always brave enough to stand out of the crowd and made herself heard. To my surprise, however, the cultural critic and professor of literature who had written Wildfire and Big River, Big Sea — Untold Stories of 1949, now present us a series of short but touching stories about the relationships between family members.

Lung said she never understood the relationship between parent and child until she was in her 50s: parents are predestinated to watch their children drift further and further away forever. “It’s like standing at one end of the road and looking at the child’s back until he or she eventually turns a corner and vanishes. In retrospect, she sees herself as a failed wife yet a successful mother. “I made delicious cakes for them, but when they grew up, they became freaks and are out of my control. I didn’t know how to deal with them,” she said. And to her own parents, it was only at the end that she learned how to be a daughter. “I learned aging and death from my father. After he was gone, I started looking after my mother. I found I was very slow to learn what a daughter’s job is,” she said.

Her mother has senile dementia and frequently cannot recognize her daughter. Lung treats her like a child, painting her mother’s fingernails and prowling the streets at night in search of food when her mother cannot fall asleep.

Lung’s language is clear and simple, but soft and soulful. Under her pen, the book is a notebook of death and life: one full of sorrow and beauty.

The book Parting Gaze has 73 short narratives about life’s uncertain and fragile moments, including the death of Lung’s father, the aging of her mother, her years with only her two sons and an encounter with elderly brothers after several decades of estrangement. I read this book during the winter holiday when there are lots of moments of reunion and parting. During the Spring Festival, the whole family got together and spent a great time together. We took family pictures, talked about school life or jobs, and had hot pot dinners. When the festival was over, the sorrow of parting upset everyone. I stood at the light rail station and waved to see my elder brother off. My mother winked back her tears when she said goodbye to me at the window of the coach.

Lung wrote, when she sent her son off to a tertiary education overseas, “it’s like standing at one end of the road and looking at the child’s back until he or she eventually turns a corner and vanishes. It’s like sending a message: ‘Just stay there and fold with our eyes.’” However, her son never turned his head to respond to his mother’s tenderness in eyes. Lung thought his son’s inner world was as wide and deep as hers, but she never managed to visit.

After graduating from primary school, I left my parents and went to a middle school far away from home. Enjoying a fresh new life, I seldom made phone calls to my family and every time I went home, I rushed back to school. My grandfather didn’t need me since he was still not too old to take care of himself and my parents are not going to stop prying into my school life. At that time reunions and partings to me are just some repetitive patterns in life.

Years have gone and now I am pursuing my Master Degree in a university. Half a month ago, my father fell and broke three of his ribs at a construction site. My mother and I took care of my father in the hospital. My brother, who worked in another city, asked his company for a leave and came back home. Although we all are busy with our school or work, we got together in the face of difficulty.

To me, family is the group of people who will be by my side throughout my entire life. They are the people who cherish my and turn to me when everything is going bad or wrong. The most important things in life are to love and to be loved. Whenever I make up my mind to do something, my family always will give me the chance to give it a try. Love between family members is indestructible. Even though we sometimes make mistakes and fail to live up to the high expectations from the family, family love will always plays the role of a magic bullet which helps us overcome all the difficulties that come across our path.  

 My grandfather passed away in the spring of 2009. During his last two years, he has been ill and stayed home. He had nothing to do but sat on an armchair, recalling his past alone. I always thought I could visit him more often when I had time, but it seemed that I was busy all the time. Until one day my father called and told me my grandfather was badly ill, I hurried home to see him. He had a high fever and was not able to think clearly. I sat beside him, talking about the stories happened between him and me in the past. Hours later, he left.

Having to live a fast-paced city life, people always have no time for family or friends. All the time is taken up in working and chasing goals. Most of us tend to think of how much we are missing out on spending time with our families and believe that during Mid-autumn Day or Spring Festival we will make it up. But by then our priorities change and we tend to put our family behind to attend to our urgent priorities in life.

Lung also wrote the storied between his sons and her. When her sons are small children, they loved their mother’s company and asked for her advice when there are problems. However, when they have grown up, they are eager to break free from their mother’s “stifling” love. Consequently, conflicts took place and they failed to find a way to fill the “generation gap”.

Every family runs into conflict at one time or another. Disagreement is part of any relationship. But some families may be more prone to it than others. Sometimes poor communication is to blame. Other times, family members end up “taking sides”, which can create even deeper splits in the household. But with a little work and patience, it's possible to keep conflict from spiraling out of control. The key lies in setting our anger aside and discussing our differences calmly and respectfully. First, it's important to understand the source of the conflict. Is it an isolated disagreement or is it part of something larger? If the family's undergone a major change recently, we may need to take that into account. There are lots of things that can heighten stress, including: the birth of a baby, unemployment of one spouse, financial difficulties, problems with in-laws, trying to juggle busy schedules, a serious illness of a family member , separation, divorce, or becoming a stepparent. Letting a problem fester without addressing it is a really bad idea. A poorly-managed conflict raises the risk that children will develop behavioral problems. It can also affect the health and well-being of adults in the household too.
    Whatever the cause of the disagreement, it's important to move forward with respect and understanding. Disagreements can be productive, provided we keep them under control. Replacing yelling with calm voices, giving everyone a chance to speak, being respectful of differing opinions are useful.

In many cases these things are easier said than done. If we are avoiding a conflict, try to figure out why. If there are unresolved feelings or resentments, it may be necessary to explore them too. Just try to do it in a way that is healthy. It's okay to feel angry, but don't let it control our behavior. If we start feeling too angry, call a time-out. Cool down and think things through. Remember, though, a time-out is meant to ease tensions - not as a form of punishment. If we often fight about the same thing, take a look at the root causes. Think deeply about why our family is always arguing about these matters. Accept our part in any conflict, and take responsibility for our own actions. Addressing conflict in a healthy way may require a little trial and error. Once we get it down, though, it can help keep resentments from building and bring our family closer together.

 We will do things for our brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, and children before we would even consider doing them for anyone else. I wonder if someone could explain this in words. It is not easy to hold the weight of words describing family love. Family members are amongst those few people in this present day world, who will genuinely worry about us. They will always be there for us, to fall back upon when we have been disillusioned with the outside world. Though at times it feels that they are interfering too much in our life, it's only because they care for us. If sometimes we feel bad about them, do focus on our mistakes and errors and be sorry for them. We are able to share all our sorrows and pleasures also with people who really love us and care for we! The love of our family is our ultimate confidence and strength, so take care of our family members and truly love them before it's too late and we have to repent on our carelessness. Though sometimes out of anger and wrath we behave unfriendly but it does not mean that we don't care for each other. Family quarrels are bitter things but are of least importance. We should not care about these few bitter memories but rather we must think about the existing love within our family members.

Love between siblings is another topic in Lung’s book. Is there a relationship so exasperating, exhilarating, angst-ridden, hilarious, bonding, mortifying, constant, giggle inducing, and annoying as that of siblings? Although we may love our friends, think we’ve told our girl friends everything there is to know about us, lean on our spouses, have deep talks with our parents, adore our grandmas, and even sometimes befriend our own offspring, only our siblings knew us from the time of the younger’s birth and will be there when the last one breathes their last. The language between brothers and sisters is even without words at times; a nod, a shrug, a snort, a shake of the head, a wave of the hand, and they instantly know what the other is communicating. They interject our childhood tale with a well place eye roll, because after all, they are there too and know when we’re exaggerating.

When Lung’s mother died, all her brothers came. That was the one of the few reunions among the siblings since everyone are too busy to meet each other. Death is a part of life and it is normal for siblings to become stricken with grief after their mother's death. People grieve in their own way and may experience emotions such as denial, sadness, guilt, humiliation, shock, anger, disbelief or other emotions. Siblings find solace in each other.

In reality, however, inheritance conflicts can often drive wedges into otherwise cordial relations among siblings, as well as rekindling old rivalries. Inheritance problems may involve issues with the will, property or other estate issues. These conflicts can deepen wounds and cause long-term animosity and resentment between siblings.

Life is full of other reunions and partings in addition to those among family. Four years ago, when I graduated from the college, all the friends shed tears graduation ceremony. When the bell for graduation rang, and the sentiments pervaded the campus, we waved to say “goodbye”, yet knowing that probably in the rest of our lives, no “goodbye” would come true. Maybe our memory about all the precious things we cherished most would weather the test of time, or maybe not. The moment when we turned around and set off on divergent roads, we may never manage to find an intersection where we would meet again to recall a couple of funny old stories. True friends are lifelong treasure. Memory always plays tricks on us, but we still cherish everything that friends shared before.

Lung said life is just like we watch someone we love drift further and further away forever, from time to time. The only way we can reconnect to each other is to love and to be loved, because the main factor for maintaining a family is love. Lung’s book is a timely reminder of all the good in today's fast-paced world. If we all reach into our memory banks and come up with one of those moments we can share, our happy lives will be touched by love. At its best, family is the home we carry inside us, a sanctuary in a challenging world. And even at its most frustrating, family still broadens our capacity for love and tolerance, pulling us (often kicking and screaming) into new levels of insight and wisdom. Maybe we’ve been meaning to call a family member to say, “I love we”. Surely every family, every member of every family, would have at least one family love story. Families are built on love which is a fact often overlooked by us, or simply, “I'm thinking of we.” Don’t allow our busy schedule to get in the way. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Use this day to reach out in love, in kindness, in forgiveness. Allow ourselves to receive love and kindness and forgiveness. Embrace the warmth and comfort of this most sacred of human bonds.

    We build deep and loving family relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other. We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences. The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. We form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow.